things i haven’t done since primary school

eaten tapioca pudding with rose hip syrup
asked a girl the color of her knickers
won a competition for who could pee highest up the wall
eaten orange plasticine
felt the sting of a cane across my fingers
executed the perfect forward roll

things i learned at primary school

orange plasticine doesn’t taste of oranges
the man who invented tapioca pudding was a sadist
justice is a small thing but injustice is fucking enormous
never ask a girl who’s got all her teeth the colour of her knickers
always stand upwind during a peeing competition
executing the perfect forward roll is over-rated as a life skill

Selected byNolcha Fox
Image credit:Ben Wicks

Cameron McClure doesn’t exist. He is the pen-name for a  permanently retired civil servant who lives in Northern Ireland and likes nothing better than competitive banter over a pint or two. He believes it will all come right on the night because he’s happier that way and no-one has yet proved him wrong though a lot of well-meaning people try to for some reason.