had a baby.
I go online,
buy a present,
click ‘gift wrapped’
(I don’t need to
see tiny, sleepsuit
feet).

I visit them,
hold him,
even carry him
to his nursery,
sit in a rocking chair
and sway anxiously
while I question why
my heart
weighs more than
he does.

At the top of the stairs
I pause,
imagine us falling,
tumbling down together,

wondering if falling
is worse than
never being born.