I sit here, nowhere
a place i was born in but
it has changed
and i am a stranger now, somewhere
i try
to recognize but i can’t.
reading the news
getting upset at politics
planning a getaway
fighting the mother that invaded
my depression,
i want to be alone now—
i used to hate being alone! hated it, hated people
who liked solitude.
writing sometimes makes me feel better
sometimes.
Just sitting here
trying to write like bukowski and
i reread my stuff
at best it falls apart on read 4.
hank looked like he had moments when
he needed to write
shit i
emigrated from a communist country that doesn’t exist anymore
didn’t speak for 6 months
moved
my old man made me play
tennis, said i’d be rich
told me i had missed the bus, better
make the next one,
bus? i was 9
he beat my sister
everyday, in my mother’s womb
she ran out of oxygen, water broke
the mother kept her in there for a month
she survived
the father beat her, said she was overweight
she wasn’t even, he’d strangle her and she’d make deep gurgling noises
fighting for oxygen.
i never got along with her because
she was too tough.
picked rocks for little money
listened to hate
i collaborated
was told i had to work harder
8 years
fractured something in my neck
my head hurt for 5
every day
in brazil i cried, the pain had gone away one morning
had run away
in the afternoon the pain was back
spent all my money on injections, treatments
had my teeth filed
MRIs
i’m forgetting a lot
moved to Europe they had refused to operate me in Canada, said it had nothing to do with
my pain
told me i needed a break
got operated in bruges the second time they put me to sleep
first time a blood sample came in, apparently wouldn’t clot
was i taking any undisclosed medication?
yeah
they said i may have picked up TB in brazil
preventive medicine i accepted because it didn’t make my stomach bleed like the vioxx
sure as hell wasn’t gonna tell my doc
didn’t know i wouldn’t clot.
first surgery tore
had sex and drank with a friend who wouldn’t move over at night when the surgery hurt
so much for friends
i know
got a second, i thought the doc wouldn’t accept
i wouldn’t have
a brutal reattachment, it hurts every day
and now i’m back
i came to square one
like salmon, want that break but maybe i’m just here to hole up and die peacefully
went home to Canada on vacation
everything changed. best friend said he was in love
wanted to do coke, his girlfriend didn’t like me i think
much emotions anyway, broke down, shaking
who the fuck plays board games on coke, no talking?
been shaking for a month now, on and off
i’m trying to run away for a rest but the pain is hard to run away from
and this place i was born in i don’t know it
i don’t know if the people who live here know it
they’re all fucked up from looking at the world and realizing how different it is.
