i was filling out a survey for a five-dollar gift card
when the news broke like a mirror in a Mar-a-Lago bathroom.
“the president has terminated the head of government statistics,”
said the anchor, who looked like he hadn’t slept
since the second inauguration.
“reasons cited include poor vibes,
an uncooperative spreadsheet,
and disloyal numerology.”
“she was hostile to optimism,”
the president explained, standing on a golf cart
parked in the rose garden.
“the american worker is thriving.”
then he raised his hands like moses parting the layoffs.
“i hereby decree: negative job growth is fake.
unemployment is a hoax.
and i will no longer tolerate recessionary energy
from career bureaucrats with calculators.”
soon we learned the woman they fired
had a PhD in silence,
kept her desk tidy,
and once cried during a senate subcommittee hearing
because someone called her data “partisan.”
she had spent thirty years
trying to understand the economy,
which, it turns out, was a mistake.
“she refused to massage the metrics,”
said one anonymous staffer hiding inside a ficus.
“she kept telling the truth
even after it was clear nobody wanted it.”
they replaced her with a man
whose résumé included three stints on reality TV
and a failed startup that sold patriotic beef jerky.
“the problem with the old reports,” he said,
“is they made people feel bad.
our new numbers will be more respectful
of the president’s mood.”
under the new model every gig counts as two jobs
if it requires pants,
layoffs are now called freedom pivots,
and wage stagnation is rebranded as
earnings patience.
the press was told to stop asking questions
and start celebrating the recovery.
“but what about the revisions?”
asked a trembling journalist
before being led gently offscreen by men in khaki.
“revisions are unamerican,” said the labor secretary.
“we believe in first drafts.”
shortly thereafter the stock market hiccupped.
schools quietly eliminated 150,000 positions.
but nobody noticed because the jobs report
was replaced with an inspirational meme
and a hamburger coupon.
and me?
i updated my résumé
to include emotional resilience
and loyalty to executive messaging.
because in this economy,
truth is seasonal
and you can be laid off
for knowing what month it is.
