In a bold move that redefines both “art” and “history,” the National Portrait Griftlery has appointed a new director: former real estate tycoon, reality TV survivor, and self-declared “most painted man in America,” Donald J. Tromple.
The appointment came as a surprise to no one with a pulse, as the Griftlery had recently added a new wing, the “Alternate Facts Pavilion,” sponsored by the American Association for Retired Mythologists.
“This is a tremendous honor,” said Tromple in a press release written entirely in gold Sharpie. “No one appreciates portraits more than I do. I have one in every room. Some rooms are just mirrors. Same thing, really.”
Curation By Selfie
Sources say the museum’s new direction will focus less on portraiture as an art form and more on vibe-based representation. The first planned exhibit under Tromple’s watch is titled “Me, Myself, and My Mugshot: The American Ego from 2015–2025.”
The show will feature:
- Deepfakes of Founding Fathers giving thumbs-up
- NFT versions of oil paintings with “exclusive content” visible only to True Believers
- A 30-foot portrait of Tromple made entirely out of shredded court subpoenas and hamburger wrappers
“This is a renaissance,” said interim curator Ivanka del Pseudo. “We’re returning art to its roots: the glorification of unchecked power, questionable taste, and merchandising potential.”
Critics Silenced with Spray Tan
While some in the art world have raised objections, calling the move “a hostile takeover of cultural memory,” others were more enthusiastic, mostly those who recently received large endowments from the Real Estate Benevolence Fund for the Misunderstood Rich.
Longtime staff who expressed concern were reassigned to “paint security detail,” which involves guarding the newly installed Hall of Forgotten Laws, a corridor lined with blank canvases that symbolize the freedom to forget.
One dissenting docent was reportedly escorted out for asking whether paintings of Tromple would be displayed right side up.
“We don’t do elitism here,” said new deputy director Brad Flex. “We’ve rebranded the museum as an Interactive Legacy Arena. There’s no wrong way to experience history, just the right perspective, purchased in monthly installments.”
Education Wing Now a Loyalty Test
The Portrait Griftlery’s educational programming has also been revamped. Upcoming workshops include:
- Finger-Painting Patriotism: Red, White, and Orange
- Monuments You Can Eat: A Cheeto-Based Sculpture Lab
- Oil Pastels and the Art of Denial
Instead of traditional art talks, the museum will host Historical Reenactments of Things That Didn’t Happen, performed by unemployed actors wearing “1776 Forever” hats and shouting at paintings of Eleanor Roosevelt.
“We’re not rewriting history,” said Flex. “We’re repainting it with brighter colors and fewer inconvenient shadows.”
Expansion Plans Underway
The board has already approved plans for a new Founders of the New Republic portrait series, featuring visionary disruptors like:
- The Pillow CEO Guy
- That One Podcaster Who Yells
- A Chatbot That Thinks It’s George Washington
A gift shop refresh is also in progress, featuring exclusive merchandise including:
- I Sat for My Own Portrait selfie frames
- Constitution toilet paper (pre-shredded)
- A trompe-l’œil print of Tromple looking at himself in a trompe-l’œil print
Closing Thoughts
When asked whether the public should be concerned about the politicization of a national cultural institution, the new director waved the question away.
“Portraits are just photos that take longer,” he said. “I’m here to make the museum great again. Frankly, it should’ve been a casino to begin with.”
