~
i won’t write a poem about it
it’s cool you do but i can’t
in my childhood town
after each new tragedy
kids navigated for position
for how we were to it
this close and closer
Tammy
accidentally shot
in the face
by her little brother
she survived— permanently disfigured
and Sandy talked on
about Tammy at church
and Tammy at catechism
and prayers were needed
for the whole family
and Leslie
falling from the high dive
onto the pavement
bones telescoping
hand to shoulder
and the old guy who died
of a heart attack that same summer
up in the grass
my brother is a lifeguard
but he was off duty
And Kim
showing up to gym
in bandages
used her mothers keys
to slash cuts into her wrists
my mother said her mother drinks
and leaves her home alone—
it was for attention
you have to slash the other direction
or use a gun
if you want to die
shut up shut up shut up
the fire
the fatal
gunshot wound
to the head
i didn’t tell them
we met on my road
a week ago
sat in the woods
for hours and talked
just last week
then Heather’s father
found by a prostitute
dead in a hotel bathtub
while debt collectors
came to clear out everything
but
well we all knew Heather
and her dad really well
we slept in that house
just a week or so ago
ate a sugar cereal breakfast
with him
in our pajamas
loves baby soft and bonnie bell lip gloss
so no one tried to up each other on that one
Jesus
we were already in college
when Jason walked into biology class
and shot that bully dead in his seat
no one knew what to do—
this was pre-columbine
no procedures no drills
but last week
my friend texted
Oh Jenn
thinking of you as a teacher
and a Texan
but i didn’t know what happened
until i googled
what the hell happened in TX now?
thinking they maybe they banned evolution
along with critical race theory
or forced some new legislation
designed to prove our failure
then it comes
and i don’t want it
but it comes
and
it is mine
three hours
south
we took busses
full of our kids
past the exit
days ago
it comes and comes
it is mine
and i don’t want it
yet when they post lists
of school shootings
i’m the first to point out
this list didn’t start
when our school
became famous
i include the link
i respond to the news
i am so angry
and this woman
who started this kindness campaign
after her son shot himself
a decade ago
has the nerve to tell me
use your anger for change
lady, i live the change
i live this reality
down in the trenches
our secretary always makes the rounds
checks that doors are locked
scolded me once
for propping one open
when i was sitting right there
on the patio with my kids doing a lesson
tell her
we have that door open every lunch period—
i will close it when we are done
and she says
in front of the kids
well what if a shooter comes up to you right now
and kills you, then what?
yes
then what
i don’t have it in me
to be afraid
classroom door
has a glass window
i lock it
but he will just
shoot out mine
then what?
if they want to kill
they will kill us
maybe
we will push lab desks
to the door
tip them to their sides
hide behind them
i don’t know
but fuck
i am not
going to write
a poem about it
~
