After lying awake half the night,
trying to meditate and visualize
a successful job interview
leading to an actual job;
after holding completely still, imagining colors
and trying to relax, trying to see
the sympathetic vibrations,
trying to imagine what it must be like
to smile confidently
and speak eloquently and articulately
about myself,
and about my virtues
and about the uniqueness
of my job skills
and about my vast and relevant
professional experience …
After lying uncomfortably awake,
wallowing in anxiety and the familiar sensation
of impending doom
that drifted and became total indifference
which then turned into a kind of resignation
and then into night fear and self-loathing
and a sense of hopelessness that finally became
an all encompassing, overwhelming despair …
After trying to envision a rich and powerful spectrum
of beautiful, luminescent colors
and a human smile
at the end of an eager handshake,
I woke up unhappy and unconvinced
and I proceeded to get on with it,
dragging myself through my paces
like stations of the cross: the toilet, the shower,
the bathroom sink,
vitamin pills in the kitchen,
clothes on the bed.
I gazed into the mirror as I brushed my hair.
I squared my shoulders and straightened my tie.
I tried to smile with both of my eyes
but it didn’t work
again.
