back when i was willing to
be on dating apps
back when i was willing to
i had a boyfriend
he was actually quite nice
and mildly catholic
we walked around the beach
and kissed innocently
we went to the theater
and painted and ate
and worked out
often
all time
i let the spanish pope
put ash on my forehead
when he wanted to go that
sunday
i hated sitting in front
and drinking wine
from a dirty goblet
i thought about germs and christ
and how i wanted to leave
no matter how holy it was supposed to be
i couldn’t get over certain things
all of it
once we were in the car
parked with the heater on low
in the dark
i was feeling rather willing
to be vulnerable and open
i told him some
of “my stuff”
he said he understood
and we sat in silence for a while
then he unraveled so much
I often question how it all came out
how often it was on his mind
and
why i was always
the girlfriend worthy of telling
deep secrets
holding all of their secrets
i do
back when i had only my own secrets to hold
back when i wanted to marry rich
back when i believed my words and i
were different
now
i know
It’s how i hold
things
and people,
how i hold my hands
to your secrets
how i hold my gaze
with a tilted head
it’s all in the way the air moves
you can’t control it
you can’t control a thing dear
