“Dick Hertz and Connie Lingus, phone call.”
That was always me. I’d call the restaurant
and tell the hostess: “Huge emergency!”
I always told the waitress, “Cock tail, huh?”
A wise guy. Smart-ass. And I’m still that way.
Melania’s embarrassed to go out with me.

But Barron loves it! Adolescent’s dream!
It’s how I got elected. Being the vulgarian.
The common—often very common—touch.
I sold the voting public short and never lost.
I give them melodrama, scandal, fluff galore.
It’s all in who you sling mud at or butter up.

Oh, Trump! He’s gross! Don’t be a jerk.
I’m just the object that your country settled on
to represent itself, so many ballots cast.
I’m nothing but a messenger. Muhammad.
You all wrote the message—are the message.
Ugly, isn’t it? Unfortunately, that’s America.

Quit criticizing me. Guess what?—
It’s time for you to change your life.